Lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   I haven't been to work in four days. I've almost forgotten how to play solitaire and minesweeper.

   I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. But, if the white runs out, I'll drink the red

   Local girl Joanna Mow leaps to her death on her birthday... Your middle name wouldn't be Ronny would it ,Jo?

   An office Christmas party is not a good time to ask the boss for a raise. Wait until the next day when you have pictures.

   No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.

   "When they're not fighting or racing light cycles, I'll bet the citizens of TRON spend a lot of time on the phone with tech support" -Conan OBrien

   There's nothing like a visit from an out of town friend to point out how little I actually know about the city I live in.

   "Do they know it's christmas time at all?" Yeah they should. They made most of the presents.

   Cheer up Prince Charles! They only vandalised your car with a bit of white paint. It's not like they deliberately chased your car into a tunnel during the night and murdered you.

   Sociologists say San Francisco's birth rate is projected to decline sharply in the next decade. I'm actually rather surprised San Francisco has a birth rate.

   I always try to be unusually kind and compassionate to those around me during the holidays, because I never know who will end up being my Secret Santa.

   Attention Please: Christmas has been canceled. Apparently when you told Santa you've been good this year, he died laughing.

   Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

   ■I'm going to protect my statuses on Christmas this year so Santa can't “know when I'm not sleeping or know when I'm awake.” Take that!

   Here's a picture of me with the band REM. That's me in the corner.

   The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything they have.

   I hate to see my food go to waist.

   I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

   I just signed a 10 million dollar contract to play for the Cowboys next year. Now, I just need to get them to sign it.

   I can't believe I got sacked from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.