Leeferd Funny Status Messages

   always beats Edward Scissorhands in rock-paper-scissors.

   If "Vampire In Brooklyn" had been a bigger hit, we could have all lived the rest of our lives without these damn "Twilight" movies .

   Other countries would fear us more if, instead of a nickname for a holding cell, the "Drunk Tank" were an actual weapon.

   It'll be a while before hearing a commentator say: "Tiger Woods struggles to come from behind" doesn't make me giggle.

   enjoying deleting friends on Father's Day. I'm pretending I'm disowning my children.

   The way my luck runs, if I were hanging on to the side of a cliff for dear life, the person reaching down to pull me up would be a leper.

   not a stalker, I'm just bad with goodbyes.

   Does PETA think all animals die a natural death, with hospice care, surrounded by family keeping vigil until passing quietly into the night?

   wishes more businesses would check their signs for mistakes. There is a HUGE difference in "Closed for remodeling" and " Closed for remolding."

   Why do all Mexican restaurants serve Pepsi and not Coke?

   You know you're getting old when you no longer buy cereal for the prize but for the fiber content.

   "Weebonics"- The adorable chatter of a toddler.

   Why is it that whenever I'm on vacation I can ALWAYS find a Law & Order marathon on TNT?

   I'm good at reading between the lines when I'm doing cocaine off of a Kindle™.

   "This Cold Medicine Lasts 8 Hours" is the "I Promise I'll Pull Out, Baby" of the pharmaceutical industry.

   In every Red Lobster tank, there's one lobster who says: "You guys are so paranoid! It's great here! I love the view!"

   Never get directions from the illiterate. "Turn left on Cave" is actually, "turn left on C Ave."

   "Scent" is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.

   I've gotta come clean. That's why I masturbate with Purell®.

   just got a painting of David Carradine and I hung it in my closet.