Hiyourjon Funny Status Messages

   My life is like Grand Theft Auto V except I drive a Subaru Outback and the cops wave at me

   Obama banned from Call of Duty for using unlimited drone strikes cheat. Biden’s in the corner with a SNES controller making airplane sounds.

   This guy just told me that I was anti-social. Or at least that’s what I think he said, I wasn’t paying attention.

   there an STD named 'Miley Virus' yet?

   I'd like to return this pack of gum. They taste awful. "Sir, those are Band-Aids." Oh, I'd like to return these Band-Aids. Someone ate some.

   Press 1 for English. Press 2 For Spanish. Press 1 or 2 for Indian.

   If you missed the MTV awards, you can see it again by throwing yourself down a flight of stairs while chewing a light bulb.

   Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.

   Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious

   If I was The Bachelor we'd all play Mario Kart for 8 weeks, then I'd pick the one with the biggest boobs

   If the plot of Breaking Amish isn’t an Amish guy with cancer who sells light bulbs to pay his medical bills then you can count me out.

   According to my Nike Fitness App, I've watched TV on my couch for 7 miles this week.

   If you cut soda from your diet, you'll save over $1000 a year and could spend money on more important things, like beer, meth, and skittles.

   I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

   My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

   When one door closes, another one opens. Then you're inside Walmart.

   I'm only here for the alibi.

   " I feel like a million bucks." -Billionaire having a crappy day.

   The second I named my hangover "dad" it went away

   it OK if I abbreviate Oklahoma?