Gabe Funny Status Messages

   I feel like I'm watching a tv show called "Lockdown Got Talent" because this lockdown has people thinking they're gym instructors, chefs, dancers, etc...

   Out of all my body parts, my eyeballs are in the best shape because I roll them like 300 times a day...

   Don't believe everything you read in public toilets. Sharon is not up for a good time. What an awkward phone call that was...

   My gardening skills improved since the quarantine. I planted myself on the sofa in April and have grown bigger ever since...

   I drive more safely when there's food in the passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there...

   It's a five minute walk from my home to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house. The difference is staggering...

   For the first time since 1945, the Scripps National Spelling Bee has been cancul... cancill... cansi... called off.

   Fun Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the "send" button by 95%...

   I'd like to cancel my 6 week trial of socialism please...

   Walmart is asking customers to wear masks. Good luck with that. They can't even get them to wear pants...

   My body absorbed so much hand sanitizer that when I pee it cleans the toilet...

   Hey, you married people doing okay? I haven't heard "I'm so blessed" or He's my everything" for a few weeks now...

   I'm called "Essential" because calling me "Sacrificial" would be too honest...

   Becoming skinny this summer is cancelled due to the virus. Pass the cupcakes...

   Virus Tip - If you run out of toilet paper, just spray Pam between your butt cheeks and poop won't stick. Don't ask how I know this...

   I started homeschooling today. So far two students are suspended and the teacher was fired for drinking on the job...

   If you don't own a TV then how do you know which way to point the furniture?

   Cough, Through, Though, Rough... none of these words rhyme. But for some reason, Pony and Bologna do...

   Some of you all went from homemade, natural, all organic cleaning products to Clorox real fast...

   I used to drink a lot in the '80's. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is?