Eaglet1122 Funny Status Messages

   My mood ring isn't a fashion statement. It is a court order!

   What's the over under on how many times the Bodyguard is on the next few weeks??

   Texting angry....All CAPPS!!

   Marriage should have an expression date!

   Town so small get mugged buy people you know!

   Never knew if my father would hit us or the bottle!

   Ladies......I am rebound material!

   My father was a professional wrestler. He hit us but did not hit us!!

   Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There is nothing like having a midget for a butler.

   Charlie Sheen says he's not crazy anymore. The voices in his head told him so.

   Taking my car to get fixed today. I don't need a bunch of little car mouths to feed!

   What is the weight limit on this roller coaster ??.....Because I am a little over my goal weight right now!!

   The guy with the diesel-powered lawn equipment finished doing what he was doing in the nick of time. I've taken my finger off the trigger....

   When they say all expenses paid, does that include bail?

   My family is from so far out in the country that my mammy doesn't know she is free. No one will tell her b/c her cornbread off the hook.

   The kids are nestled all snug in their bed, while Stanley's wifes on her knees giving him.. a foot massage!!

   My kids are lucky, their crossing guard dresses as Santa every year. When I was a kid my crossing guard looked like Carla from Cheers.

   At the rate I am coughing, I expect a "Six Pack" or an "Brain Aneurysm" buy the end of the week!

   ‎"My fingers smell like cheeseburger" is a statement that is bound to confuse others unless prefaced with a statement about having just eaten a cheeseburger. Otherwise, they just look at you like you're dirty.

   My wife is taking my kids to go see the nut cracker this weekend. Of course I'm talking about my mother in law not the show.