DYLAN BOSCH Funny Status Messages

   Dear CocaCola, McDonalds, and other massive companies, unless you have a new product for me, stop showing me commercials. I didn't forget about you. I have never stood at a vending machine and thought, what's that thing in the red can? I promise."

   Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to these people? Why don't they put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while delivering the mail?"

   My dad once told me that, by definition, a leader is someone who has followers, and the more followers, the greater the leader. I think that was true right up until the advent of Twitter."

   During a particularly rough storm the other night, local weatherman advised getting into your bathtub, covering yourself with a heavy blanket and wearing a bicycle helmet. I am ONLY watching that channel's news from now on..."

   I remember when I was younger "Friday the 13th" used to make me think about Jason movies. Now all I can think about is "Do the bars have any specials today?"

   Bleah and Latex Gloves: $10.. Plastic wrap, trash bags and duct tape: $20...Chainsaw: $200 The horrified look on the cashiers face: PRICELESS!"

   Some 12 year old called my house at 2:45 this morning to ask if I ordered Indian food. I said, "Are you serious? I ordered that 8 hours ago!" He stuttered, apologized, and hung up! Prank Call Reversal!

   It's hard to be naked and baked without wondering why the two words don't rhyme."

   Somewhere, right now.. One of my Facebook friends is already drunk!"

   Everytime I drink I break my "No" button. Yes, I want another drink. Yes, you can take me home. Yes, I'm sure I can drive. Yes, I will dance on the bar."

   You know you drank too much last night when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator."

   I gotta get outta this funk, I've somehow lost my spunk. I'm not cheery, or happy, and I hate feeling crappy. Perhaps I should just get drunk!"

   decided that I am not an alcoholic...I am an extreme social partier with a drinking habit...I say habit because a problem is something you want to fix!"

   When you're parents accuse you of lying to them, just look them in the eye and say; SANTA CLAUSE! EASTER BUNNY! TOOTH FAIRY!"

   The next time you're in Walmart, hide in a clothes rack and when someone is looking through the clothes come out and say "WELCOME TO NARNIA" :)

   Mess with me, I'll fight back. Mess with my friends, I'll hurt you. Mess with ones I love, and they'll never be able to identify you."

   ...remember when we were YOUNG and couldn't wait to grow up? ...WOW, what the hell were we thinking!?!?"

   Just remember, everything happens for a reason. So when I smack you upside the head, remember... I had a reason!"

   Are you guys really my friends or are you just my facebook friends?"

   Having a wireless mouse makes it way too tempting to throw it across the room when my computer gives me trouble."