Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put "an@l" in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

   Hey girls,the best time to give a blowjob is when there's a football game on TV. It sounds like 50,000 people are cheering for you.

   Remember this weekend to help your girl relax by telling her she "needs to relax."

   Negative people and stupid people should be tape recorded and forced to listen to their own bullsh*t.

   "Please make me happy" I whisper to my prescription.

   My safe word is yourhusbandishome.

   How many people actually tell everyone that you said Hi.

   Don’t trust everything you see. Even vodka can look like water.

   I came, I saw, I got jiggy with it, I'm now discussing my options with a court appointed attorney.

   When reality comes knocking, I make tequila answers the door.

   You knew how I chew when you agreed to marry me.

   I like to peel all of the labels off of my pill bottles and just write "surprise me" on them.

   I'm sorry I'm so emotional bro. It came with these skinny jeans and selfie stick.

   I would describe my dancing style as “Oh my god, is he having a seizure?”

   I'm getting really tired of having to remind my wife she's happily married.

   I once dated a girl who didn't need me to open jars for her. It was pretty convenient but the handjobs were crippling.

   Give a man a fish & he'll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.

   The best thing about being an Atheist is that no one watches you masturbate, unless you want them to.

   When a mosquito bites you and it dies of alcohol poisoning you're doing something right

   I can't tell what's currently doing worse, my love life or my bank account