Baddie Funny Status Messages

   GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us? GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other? Boxing is born.

   Shock collars, but for co-workers

   20mph school zones are only making our children's reaction time worse.

   Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

   My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

   Why did humans invent hell, when there are enough real things to be scared of, like emotional commitment, marriage and a woman on her period.

   So now people are purposely sucking on cups to enlarge their lips. What more is the apocalypse waiting for?

   Technically, I don't have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I'm not doing anything.

   the only reason Kanye likes Kim's ass all oiled up is because he can see his own reflection in it.

   I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said "WHERE ?"

   Tell me I drink too much so I can drink about that too.

   Sorry I stopped, dropped and rolled when you told me you loved me.

   Last I heard, my guardian angel was in the ER with alcohol poisoning.

   I'm so excited to not hear from you again tomorrow.

   No, I can't come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

   The grass is greener on the other side because my neighbors are Mexican.

   Stupid cats stealing all our women.

   Me crazy? If it wasn't so hard to get back up on this unicorn, I'd so b*tch-slap you

   I used to care but I take a pill for that now.

   I'm happy Bruce Jenner is transitioning into a woman but I'd be even happier if his stepdaughters transitioned into oblivion