Funny Status Messages

   I hope this blue uniform and walkie talkie doesn't make me look fat - Insecurity guard

   Does anyone know of any rappers who are proud of their hometowns?

   Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna.

   Wishing your friends a Happy unplug from technology day on Facebook is like walking into an AA meeting with a bottle of whiskey.

   Just imagine how many lives have been saved by telemarketers calling the random number of a terrorist's cell phone detonated explosive device. "Hello, I'm calling about your cars extended". . . KABOOM!

   “Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

   Our neighbor is an anti-vaxxer. They call her Mrs. Doubtpfizer.

   I was going to call my bank and report fraud until I realized it was 𝑴𝑬 that spent all my money.

   Checked my bank account and none of it was fraud it was all me damn

   Kind of ironic that growing a mullet will prevent you from being a redneck!

   I never thought that an ex-stripper, gold-digger would be more respected than every doctor in the world, but here we are.

   How am I suppose to know that you're happy and you know it if you don't clap your hands?

   My favorite part of looking back on childhood is trying to deduce which adults in charge were just barely keeping their shi*t together.

   WalMart is giving away free school clothes to anyone that can outrun security

   We used to experiment with launching monkeys into space. Now it is CEOs. Progress.

   One teacher can change your whole life. Like the one that knocked up my cousin.

   The only difference between a colonoscopy and Taco Bell is money.

   If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually go to the bathroom in a day.

   You know what would would solve the whole Kaepernick issue? If only he was a better football player..

   I can say that most of my mistakes can be traced back to when I decided to get out of bed.