Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Only 364 shopping days 'til Christmas!!

   A lot of people are single because they value their peace of mind. Unhealthy relationships can be so damn stressful.

   I greet all my daughter's boyfriends with, "I used to molest guys like you in prison."

   Sunglasses – allowing perverts to stare at boobs they're never going to touch for decades.

   The worst part about being alone is I don't have anyone to get me a beer from the fridge

   If it requires clothes…I probably don't want to do it with you.

   Raise some kids, raise a family, grow old together... God that sounds like a fairytale these days.

   When I wake up before my alarm clock...I sometimes sneak up on it while it's still sleeping and yell "HOW DOES IT FEEL B*TCH"

   Son: Dad, I want a car!" Dad: "Not unless you cut your hair." Son: "Jesus had long hair!" Dad: "Yeah, and he walked everywhere too."

   Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.

   My dog left me christmas present under the tree I had to clean it up

   I saw one of those Hummercars with handicapped tags on it. I thought, 'Wow, I never realized that being an a**hole was technically a handicap.'

   Merry Hammered People!!!! I'm Christmas!!!!

   I'm gonna buy a pizza 5 minutes before the new year and when they arrive I'll say "I ordered this damn thing a year ago!"

   Was visited by 3 spirits last night. Vodka, rum and gin.

   Oh bloody hell! Someone has eaten all of the figgy pudding! ツ

   guess what I found under the Christmas tree??? Floor tiles!

   I've long accepted the fact my parents were Santa. But what I still don't get is how they manage to deliver all the presents around the world in a single night

   Hope all the gun haters are watching "A Christmas Story" right now, Ralphie just got his Red Ryder BB Gun!

   You can tell a lot about a person by making vast assumptions.