Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just found a jar in the fridge, with expiry date 21/12/2012. I looked at it twice, and indeed, it was mayannaise!

   If I was a terrorist I'd want 100 sluts instead of virgins in the afterlife. I don't want to be a "disappointing first" for that many women.

   What does 'Serious Misconduct' mean Is it fun? It sounds like fun Anyways, HR want to discuss it with me.

   I see your narcissism and raise you Vaingloriousness!

   Can't we just sit and drink somewhere until they build a bar around us?

   I don't leave any room for error, I make mistakes in whatever room I'm in at the time.

   I like my men like I like my ice. Crushed and melts away within a reasonable time so I don't have to deal with it.

   Yes I'm that a$$hole who refuses to stand up and clap in a room filled with people standing and clapping.

   I hate going to bed on an empty v@gina :(

   I'm like a kid in the candy store when I shop for my x-mas presents at the liquor store.

   just unfollowed Taylor Swift on Twitter. Expecting a song within the hour

   My goal is to one day make it through an entire p orn movie.

   You know when you're having sex and... well, I guess my question is, what's that like?

   Just had a moment with a cute girl, we locked eyes and sparks flew. Then she rolled off the hood of my car.

   The only solution to a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. Banning guns is not the solution.

   I saw a guy in a Prius run out of gas... instead of giving him a ride,, I sent him positive energy & world peace cause that means more to him.

   If you stick a pencil far enough up your nose,, you can actually erase your feelings

   Mayans=Early Mexicans. A culture who couldn't come up with a cuisine that went beyond using the same 7 ingredients, yet alone calculate the end of time.

   At the cinema. ME: Two tickets please! CASHIER: For the Hobbit? ME: How dare you sir, she's my date.

   I don't have a drinking problem, if anything I'm too damn good at it.