Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women go for bad boys then wonder why they get hurt, afterwards the good guys are forced to repair a broken heart they didn't even cause

   Rule number five... Show no love. Love will get you killed.

   My brother took being sent to prison really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we vowed never to play Monopoly again at Christmas...

   Groundhog Day and State of the Union address will occur on the same date. This is an ironic event. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence. The other's a groundh

   Hi, I'm Tom Bodet for Motel 6. We'll leave the LYSOL.

   It's colder than a tin toilet seat on the shady side of an iceberg!

   I love you more than I hate everyone else.

   If I'm at Death's door, I'm going to pretend to be a Jehovah's Witness so that he'll never answer it.

   What's the acceptable amount of days for someone to say, "Happy New Year!" before you're allowed to punch them in the face for abusing the line?

   Accidentally broke the window out of my neighbor's Accord while playing catch with my son and started it with a screwdriver out of habit.

   Hey, After dealing with my ex for as long as I have these Ikea instructions are a piece of cake...

   Saying my first day of work in 2013 sure feels like my last day of work in 2012

   i have no new years resolution. I can't take the pressure to keep one

   *Achievement Unlocked* 15G - Reading This Status All The Way

   The difference between people with tattoos and those without is, people with tattoos don't judge those without...

   No need to get in shape for me. At work, I get enough exercise by jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, running down the boss, knifing co-workers in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck! 

   My dad said if I keep typing really loudly he's going to smash my face into the keynvjkFh;whg

   Instead of reading "KIM & KANYE EXPECTING A BABY", the headlines should have read, "KIM GETS KNOCKED UP AFTER HAVING UNPROTECTED SEX WITH KANYE OUT OF WEDLOCK!"

   FACEBOOK; exposing the idiots among us since September 26, 2006.

   I can't believe it's already January 2nd. I mean really, where has the year gone?