Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The reality is that a lot of girls out there just aren't prepared for a nice, decent guy.

   Dear Slut: If you need 2 different guys to date at the same time, please don't expect me to be one of them.

   My love for bacon is kinda like diarrhea... I just can't hold it in ツ

   This getting up at a time I don't want to get up and going to a place I don't want to be is really starting to feel like work.

   With all of my soul I am wishing you cheer; Happiness now and each day of next year... With all of my heart I am telling you too; It's been my pleasure reconnecting with you!! Have a Wonderful New Year My Friends!!!.

   In 10 years I'm opening a lower-back tattoo removal clinic called 'Mom What's That?'

   F.Y.I. ~~ hand jobs from girls who speak sign language....do in fact, count as blow jobs

   My wife's mother was here for Xmas dinner. My youngest says to me, "Hey Dad! When are you gonna do that trick?!?" "I said, "Do what trick?" He goes, "You know. You said if granny comes for Christmas you'd climb the walls!"

   obamacare is communism described as Health insurance.

   Well played, anti-theft hotel hangers. But I took the rod too. Your move.

   Tell me where I stand so I can decide what to do with this grenade.

   Do these sweatpants and 5 extra pounds make me look like I'm in a relationship?

   Marriage is probably the most sincere way to tell somebody, "I want to smell every dump you take for the rest of your life."

   When I was kid, werewolves and vampires were scary. Now everybody wants to date them...

   This New Years should be the best ever...At midnight I plan on plunging over the "fiscal cliff" with only a party hat, kazoo and a "fiscal parachute" made from 4,000 Sham-Wow's. ツ

   If you received a Christmas gift, but you didn't p ost a picture of it on your FB wall, did you really receive a gift?

   I guess the Mayans were Republicans, that would explain everything.

   Jesus went to a dinner party on thursday, he woke up crucified on friday and he resurrected on sunday. Sounds a lot like my weekends.

   if George Takei starts asking a lot of questions does he become "curious George"?

   B*tches be like "like if you're awake" and I'll be like "b*tch, it's only 11:23"!