Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some mistakes only a mother can love.

   How many animals can you fit inside a pair of panty hose? 2 calves, an ass, a beaver, a sh1tload of hares, 1 camel toe and a fish nobody can find!!

   Some People are Morning People, I am a Never People. *

   Today, I'll be responding to all questions with 'interpretive dance', so a lot of you are going to miss some of the hilarity that ensues ツ

   Lots of soul-searching in the pro-life community now that Kim Kardashian is pregnant with Kanye West's baby.

   My 2013 resolution is for everyone else to gain 50 pounds.

   You know there's an easy way to deal with cyber-bullies: Turn off the computer and go crush his hands with a meat mallet.

   When I was beamed up into the Alien craft, the Military and the Aliens warned me that if I had said anything about this, people would think I was crazy. Little do they know that I have earned that reputation all on my own...

   I was planning on being productive today until I heard Rump Shaker on the radio. Now all I wanna do is zoom-a-zoom zoom-zoom in a boom-boom.

   The Speaker of the House outright left our Hurricane Sandy victims in the sand (no pun intended). So I am writing a strongly worded letter to Congress requesting that every American Dictionary replaces the word "erection" with "Boehner"....

   I think my dirty clothes are lazy....I've given them a whole week and they still haven't moved any closer to the washer.

   I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.

   My girlfriend gave me a lift in her car. I said I can smell something, I think you're burning oil... ...she said that can't be I haven't put any oil in it!

   If women were labeled "heroes" instead of "sluts" for sleeping around too much, us guys would be having a lot more sex. Someone messed up here...

   When I saw my new girlfriend for the first time, it was like looking at a fine piece of priceless art. So I took her home and nailed her against the wall.

   I'm not arrogant... I'm optimistic ... I truly believe everyone will come around to my way of thinking

   I'm not saying she was tall, but the woman could hunt geese with a rake!

   Our economy would probably be much better if people only spent less time using facebook during work hours!!!

   Hail Mary, full of grace, put Notre Dame in second place.

   finally a cute stalker