Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy.

   Earlier today I looked at the car next to me, and I saw the driver texting while driving. How dangerous! I was so shocked I almost dropped my guitar.

   Please put this on your status if you know someone, are related to, and/or adore someone who has ADD or ADHD. 93% of peo oh snap is that a dog outside?

   Get me an alligator sandwich, and make it snappy!

   If a typo appears in the dictionary is it officially a new word?

   that lesbo teacher from Glee would be more believable as Jack Reacher than Tom Cruise. At least she's 6'3"!!

   At a nerd wedding they don`t say, "I do." They say, "I accept the terms and conditions."

   after being ignored for 3 months, I've finally taken the hint!

   My friend said, "Dude, i'm drunk, call me a cab." I handed him a beer and said, "You're a cab." (true story)

   First rule of the fight club should be: "Do not eat beans before the fight"

   I guess since you can't adopt Russian children anymore, you will just have to wait until they are old enough to be a mail order bride.

   I live my life without regrets, except for that one time I said "I do."

   I don't trust people who have carpet in their kitchen.

   Everybody is somebody's weirdo.

   A stranger is just a friend you haven't alienated yet.

   Weird. Just set fire to the gym after they played "Gangnam Style" and when I told the cops the reason they high-fived me and gave a medal.

   The splash back from my morning shi t is the only shower I'm taking

   When I'm bored, nobody texts me, but as soon as I'm busy, BAM... still nobody texts me.

   Wow a guy on the train just got up and said "Remember rugrats. Remember the 90s" and now we're all standing up clapping and cheering for him

   Earthquakes only happen when Johnny Depp breaks eye contact with Tim Burton.