Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Heard Bill Clinton on the radio, someone asked how his wife's head was, couldnt help but think probably not as good as Monica's..

   Taylor Swifts new song: "He went One Direction and I went another"

   How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints

   This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, But I'd never met herbivore

   Never say never? False. You just said it twice.

   Happy Birthday Elvis! TCB, baby!

   The lonely one offers his hand too quickly to whomever he encounters.

   Notre Dame is reminding me of high school.......i didnt score either!

   Looks like St. Patrick's day can't come soon enough this year for the Irish!

   Whatever Dude..I say That By eating this vodka with a spoon it officially becomes a soup and is therefore healthy..... So Kiss Off

   Cavemen would feel right at home in the 21st century if they watched our commercials.

   Whew! Twelve miles on the treadmill today! And by "treadmill" I mean "bar stool" and by "miles" I mean "beers."

   I found my first grey pubic hair today.,,,,Normally things like this don't bother me, but it was in my Big Mac!

   I've actually done 36 Ninja posts today but nobody's seen them.

   I took two foreign languages in high school,,,, Spanish and math.

   Throw a surprise party for your town psychic and destroy his reputation

   If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”

   Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men Eve could have married, and she didn't have to hear about how well Adam’s mother cooked.

   Just got a new smart phone...but it's RG3 speed is kinda disappointing -It wouldn't stay in my pocket,and now it runs really slow...

   All I'm saying is that teasing orthodontic patients does NOT make me a "brace-ist!"