Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word

   I learned something today – dibs is not the appropriate response when your friend announces his divorce

   There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman. So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.

   I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

   Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

   I swore off men….it lasted 3 1/2 minutes.

   I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.

   My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.

   You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.

   Wouldn't it be awesome if the snow relief package people threw rolls of paper towels at us?

   Security Guard: You can't bring outside food in here Me: This is a service burrito

   True love means being with someone want to see you get ahead in life by waiting until February 15th to get their flowers in candy at 50% off.

   murder is just a late abortion

   If women aren’t meant to cook then why do they have milk and eggs inside their bodies

   If free speech is such a great thing, then why did God tell us "thou shall not lie"?

   Merry 50% off Cake and Candy day everyone!

   Don't worry Texans, the snow will disappear like magic in April.

   What's with all the hearts on Facebook?

   It snowed in Texas for the first time ever. That's cold.

   If you ever wondering why Vincent van Gogh was such a good friend, He was willing to lend an ear.