Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place and they are good to go

   My friend said I was a horrible wing man last night, but I'm not sure. I ate like 90 of them for Christ sake..

   No matter how busy you get, never forget the importance of family

   I haven't spoken to anyone the whole day is this normal?

   Why hello Mr. Cup of Tea which is scoldingly hot for the next 30 minutes but magically becomes ice tea 1 minute later..

   someone corrected my grammar once and my grampar kicked their a$$...

   The fear of being hurt in a relationship usually causes you to stay single.

   If a girl says, "I hate drama" there is a 99% chance she is a huge drama queen.

   Fate puts different people in our path. It's up to us to determine if they are keepers or creepers.

   I will always be there for you if you never need me.

   You can take your "third time's a charm" and shove it right up your "I deserve a second chance."

   People who buy secondhand phones off amazon and eBay don’t realize they’re interacting with a lot of genitalia bacteria.

   We've got our p orno turned up really loud so the neighbours don't hear us having sex.

   There comes a time in the day, when no matter what the question, the answer is booze.

   I like big brains and I can not lie.

   No one in my office is hitting on me. Seems like it's high time I shave my mustache.

   Let’s have a moment of silence for the brave bud that got smoked by that fagatron Bieber.

   This just in: Notre Dame has made adjustments from last night’s scrimmage and is looking forward to the real game tonight…

   Just dismissed my low battery warning while watching a p orn. It's a fight to the finish now.

   bored? send a text to a random number that says "I hid the body" what's next boss?