Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.

   Waking up to Monday is kinda like the Mayans being right.

   I've perfected the confused look for when my credit card's declined.

   My wife is sick. My daughter won't sleep. Money's tight. If my car doesn't start in the morning, I'll have a country song.

   If you're happy and you know it.......you're probably single.

   Wife: YOU ARE LOST, GO ASK FOR DIRECTIONS Me: *swallows pride, walks into gas station*... Excuse me sir, do you know where "the clitoris" is

   Every time a man makes a poor decision a woman will be there to remind him about it.

   Error 404: Virginity not found!

   Let's run away together... to my bedroom.

   I wonder when my phone will start listing them as ignored calls instead of missed calls.

   Home Alone! Expectation: Party! Party! Reality: Peeing with the door open.

   If I don't mention you, then the status wasn't about you. But if the shoe fits, then lace it up and wear it.

   Me: Can you believe that after all that crap they're still together!?! Friend: Who ? Me: My buttcheeks

   Eighteen is too young to get married! You can't even buy alcohol. If you can't drink, how are you going to make your damn marriage work?

   If I hear one more time " Liz meet Brad " on You Tube, I am going to star engineering the electricals.

   Even at 50 years old, I can still turn a lot of heads. It's mostly to see where the smell is coming from though ツ

   i have no friends because everyone is in love with me!

   when I'm with you I hate you but when I'm not with you I miss you

   My procrastinators club is getting restless....they think we should start thinking about thinking about maybe meeting.... I think they are too ambitious to be in my club.......

   I love my new phone. I can now undate my status while crossing the stre