Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went to Hy-Vee where there is supposed to be a helpful smile in every isle. False advertising. I had to walk down 5 isles to get help!!

   When this Ho on Maury found out that the 36th dude tested wasn't the Father, she ran so far backstage, I flipped the Channel and she was running across the set of ESPN!

   When they hand me my napkins at the drive thru, I reach for them, while pretending to masturbate, and shout "Hurry, hurry, hurry!"

   You know you're getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.

   maybe Taylor should try dating girls. I hear Biebs is available...

   Please pray for the guy holding his girlfriend's hand and trying to use his phone with his other hand. You can do it buddy.

   Okay, so I signed up for Missionary work. Here I sit in Uganda and still no sex. Sheesh!

   Often times when rappers say "y'all know what this is" I act like I do but deep down I don't

   Tyler Swift should just accept that she is a total failure at relationships.

   Oh s hit! Tylor Swift broke up with her boyfriend last week. Better brace yourself for a man-bashing breakup album anytime now.

   Christina what happen baby? It's like those fish nets caught a whale. Christina, when did you go from "genie in a bottle" to "pigs in a blanket"?

   That a wkward m oment when you realize the last stair you thought was there isn't.

   Nobody gives a about how amazing your relationship is. You're on Facebook. It can't be that good.

   A cop stopped me and said "License please" so I offered him a donut and said "I donut have one" and we laughed and laughed and now I am behind bars.

   Always leaves my toenail clippers open, never know when an intruder might show up

   This hood rat on Maury found out dude wasnt the Father, she ran so far backstage when I turned the Channel she was on 106 & Park!

   Nice to see the government screwing with the public's intelligence about the movie 'Zero Dark Thirty'. Too bad it's total fiction.

   not sure if I miss my girlfriend, or just really horny.

   When I run out of whiskey I tend to drink non-alcoholic beverages like beer, wine & rum.

   With science makes odorless chemicals, why again don't we have odorless alcohol?