Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   262 million people have been killed by governments this century. If you believe your chances of being shot by an American citizen is greater than being killed by a dictator that has disarmed the public...you're sadly mistaken!!!

   kids at the front door selling drugs!!!! I got 3 boxes of thin mints coming!

   I cheer in all directions rather than limiting myself to just "up"

   I told my hillbilly neighbor over and over, "You CAN'T go on someone's facebook page who lives in another country and type 'Dang foreigner!' in the comment box!"

   I love the fact that she likes reverse cowgirl cuz I cant stand her face.

   I for one, do not long for the good old days. You know, back when you had to wait 30 minutes for a pic to download to the point where you just begin to see the top of her head.

   named my hard drive "That Thang" so once a month my computer asks me to back 'That Thang' up.

   Hump Day tedium..(Yes, tedium. I don't care about your boring business deal. Unless you won the lottery or Marilyn Monroe came back from the dead to gave you head, your day was tedious.)

   this isn't the status you're looking for

   Ladies... If it takes you more than a hour to get ready, you aren't as cute as you think you are.

   Fast forward to the drive-thru one...

   There's a woman in New Jersey that has a rare medical condition that makes her have 100's of unwanted orgasims. She has 100's of orgasims a day and is still complaining. That just proves women are never happy

   You're not a stalker; you're bad with goodbye.

   I turned my phone onto "Airplane Mode" and threw it in the air. Worst transformer ever...

   I won't rest until I find a cure for this darn insomnia! ツ

   Not being able to afford braces was cool, cuz now I can floss with my thumb.

   When my wife is sleeping I open her handbag, take out my balls, pat them & whisper "I know guys I miss you too" then put them back quietly.

   Remove all the poles if you don't want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

   Look, I'm not saying you’re gay,, I'm saying I've never seen you and gay in the same room at once...

   I’m just waiting for you to be rich and famous so I can still not like you.