Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If one more person calls me dramatic, I swear to Christ I'm going to burn the world down.

   When I stay at a man's house that I want to see again I always "accidentally" lose something there, like my phone, my sweater, or my dignity.

   true story: girl crying, calls me up and says her fiance left her a note out of the blue saying, "Babe dont worry about me, I'll be gone for 2 days!" I'm thinking she needs a drink or two with me tonight!

   New Years Resolution #26: 'Not use the F word in every other sentence'. So far, it's going pretty fu*king well.

   No, you pay with drugs.

   If I press 2 for Spanish, can I pay my bill in pesos?

   You shouldn't have to "arm" teachers in school... but reality is people are freaking crazy. the big "what if" is it would prevent a lot of casualties... It's better to have something, than nothing...

   Hoarders have feelings too, you know,,,,,,,,,, They're around here somewhere,,, (moves empty pizza boxes around)

   I've set aside 2013 for software updates.

   It's spooky how many kids look like their owners

   The Mayan calendar was just a countdown for us to do something Epic.

   my package finally came today. this is awesome....it means I have bubble wrap to play with

   I was going to post a picture of the beautiful sunrise this morning but I forgot I'm lazy...

   Researchers say men are 3 times more likely to be the first to say "I love you", than women. In our defence, ladies, we don't mean it

   Justin Timberlake's grown a beard. We get it, Justin. You're edgy. Now get back to writing songs about how a girl made you cry

   Okay class. Today is our field trip to the Planetarium. Did everyone remember to bring pot brownies?

   Girl, I hate you so much its like you're my girlfriend.

   When I stay at a woman's house that I want to see again I always "accidentally" lose something there like my phone, my hat, or my dignity.

   The most beautiful women are often the most insecure, so don't forget to treat them like garbage too once in a while.

   i can come up with plenty of ways to do nothing.