Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I vehemently deny that I have ever used Status Enhancing Drugs (brb, Oprah is calling...)

   Did you know..... President Obama's inaugural parade will feature eight floats, including a Hawaii float to honor his birthplace, an Illinois float to honor the first lady’s home state, and a Kenyan float just to mess with Republicans

   there's a million fish in the sea and I'm just worm to attract them!

   The US beat Canada at hockey this week... In retaliation, a new Nickelback album will be unleashed.. We brought this upon ourselves America.

   Obama reminds me of ThomasJefferson. He liked some dark meat, too...

   Wife yelled my first, middle and last name this morning! Not sure if it was the dirty underwear left on the bathroom floor, the unmade bed, the dirty clothes by the bed, or the dirty dishes . I think I had better go run errands.

   Sorry I just woke up from a coma,,, and OH MAYA GOD,,, They got the date wrong

   Just so you know the new rules to CPR,,,, there's no more blowing, just pumping,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I know,, It's like the romance is gone

   I'm in my underwear on the porch in a rocking chair drinking my coffee................. Man,, Is this Cracker Barrel packed this morning or what?

   If you can fold a fitted sheet, you're obviously a witch

   You people freak me out talking about stalking. Especially you.... sitting there in your blue & white striped polo shirt reading that book on your couch.

   It's true. Girls just want to have fun. And ruin your life in the process.

   Just saw a homeless woman eating cat food. I really felt bad for her. She couldn't even Instagram it first.

   my water bottles are so thin it feels like I grabbed a water balloon with a cap. Hand me that piev

   Why is everyone making a big deal out of the lance armstrong thing. It's not like he cheated at a sport or something jeez...

   It's really kind of sad we live in a country where we are the most entertained, yet the less informed.

   Lance Armstrong should keep his awards. Last time I tried to ride a bike when I was stoned I ended up in a hedge.

   I have a confession too Oprah. For years I have been stealing s tatuses from all over the Internet and passing them off as my own original thoughts.

   Now that Lance has come clean, maybe he's qualified to be elected to the House or Senate..

   A stranger phoned me up last night asking me to meet him in the woods because he wanted to see my breasts. Weirdo never showed up