Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.

   I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath. Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

   I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.

   Why do women always say they want a man with a stable job? What’s so glamorous about cleaning up after horses?

   Somebody just asked casually if I have a webcam, I can only assume they want to see my junk.

   Say what you will, but Rush Limbaugh is a star. By star, I mean a large, gassy object that can be seen from a distance.

   Cleaned all the spare change out of a old couch I'm about to throw out and think I found just enough to buy a new couch.

   Trusting Bill Gates with your health is like trusting Jeffrey Epstein with your daughter.

   My wife has basically two problems: Nothing to wear and not enough closet space.

   I wasa mask while holding an elevator door for an elderly person. He shook his head (from 20 feet away) violently and said, "I wouldn't get in an elevator with another person even if you paid me!" I'd had it with these rude sheep. I took off my m

   Cow farts come from the dairy air... I'll see myself out.

   This alpha bits cereal that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than anything out of Joe Biden's mouth

   Big Tech censoring Demlibers? I’m not seeing anything about how great Joe is doing.

   I really hate to make you people cry but Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce from Kanye West.

   Life's short don't throw, I mean scroll, it away!

   The Mars rover captured Ted Cruz as its first image on Mars.

   Why don't top sheets have a fitted bottom so that mf'er stays tucked in?

   It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong.

   Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream

   Going to spend the weekend cleaning in case Publisher's Clearinghouse shows up at my door with TV cameras and a check.