sean Funny Status Messages

   Really tired of homeless people tweeting photos of the garbage they're about to eat.

   The most impressive thing about Beyonce and Jay-Z as parents, is how dedicated they are to giving Blue Ivy® a normal life.

   Adele swept at the Grammys. Not to be confused with Vanilla Ice, who swept after the Grammys because that's his job at the Staples Center.

   It's quite ironic. Whitney used to do commercials for Pepsi, then spend all the money she made on Coke

   Every time I use a public bathroom, one thought occurs..."Seriously? This many people have Sharpies on them at all times?"

   Looked at the label and the "Muscle Milk" I'm drinking "contains no milk". Great. Next I'll probably find out it's not made of ground muscle.

   I'm going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn't enough

   Just watched Jersey Shore for 5 minutes and now I realize why we have to do things like write "do not eat" on dry silica packets.

   "Nothing is impossible." I disagree. I'm doing nothing right now... it's totally possible.

   Black History Month should be called "Four Weeks Of Morgan Freeman's Voiceover Work"

   Hey Dos Equis... we drink beer to become quenched, not to "stay thirsty." You might want to work on that slogan, brainiac.

   I find SpongeBob to be a little self-absorbed.

   I got locked outta my car @ WalMart so I start to pry it open w/ a hanger. then some idiot asks LOCKED OUT OF UR CAR? no.. just washed it & hangin it out to dry

   Fortune cookies should have more useful information on them… like… never feed tacos to a child you're potty training.

   I'll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn't just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

   I tried to give the kids piggie back rides and now they're covered in mud and hog bites. Farms are stupid.

   I'll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where's my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I'm here! Under your jacket!"

   No I didn't want a receipt but now that you've asked me I'm suspicious, so yes, I will have that receipt now please.

   Can't believe it's the Chinese New Year. I'm still writing Rabbit on all of my checks.

   I find it difficult to believe Newt Gingrich could be an effective president. He couldn't even manage to catch those dag old Duke boys.