lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   I wonder that when a bird gets a blow to the head,does it see a circle of flying humans?

   n't air travel wonderful? Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil..

   Hard work never killed anyone but i'm hoping my boss will be the first.

   I'm as nervous as a postman at a dog show.

   A child is like a mosquito: when it stops making a noise,you know it's up to something.

   I just committed the perfect crime. I stopped paying my shrink. He took me to court. I pleaded insanity.

   The iPad: protecting your data from embarrassing incidents.

   With my iPad in my lap, I feel so fresh. All over.

   One day, you come home and everything has changed, like the locks.

   I have a dentist appointment tomorrow. Which means I have nineteen hours to do six months of flossing.

   A cop stopped me and asked "Your eyes look red,ma'am. Have you been smoking pot?" I replied "No sir. But your eyes looked glazed. Have you been eating donuts?"

   I try to be positive. Except on medical tests.

   ..i got tired of the grass always being greener on the other side, so that's where I've been sending my dog to relieve herself.

   If 4 out of 5 people suffer with diarrhea,does that one person enjoy it?

   Who does everyone listen to and no one believe? The weatherman.

   A Bachelor is one who never chases a woman he couldn't outrun.

   These days, the only way I get rolled in the hay is if I get mugged behind the barn

   My boss asked me to take an anger management class today. I told him I was angry enough with management as it is!

   I'm looking forward to seeing my life flash before my eyes when I die. If only to know what I did in the 90s.

   "you gotta laugh.. sometimes its the only weapon you got" - Roger Rabbit