aaron Funny Status Messages

   Every obese person needs a shirt that says "I beat Anorexia"

   Some people should not be allowed to have cell phones in their cars. Not me though, I can drive with my knee.

   When in doubt, make the jerk-off hand motion.

   "I knew you'd be back." -The Drawing Board

   I like the way you think. It's almost as if you don't.

   In my will, I'm giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn't say a word.

   Cats will be the hardest zombies to kill, with their -9 lives and all.

   If you REALLY want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2022.

   She fell asleep and as usual, I cleaned my balls with a baby wipe for nothing.

   May you have a prosperous New Year. I may need to borrow money.

   Grams, Ounces, Kilos. Drugs: Blending the world's units of measurement, teaching math skills and uniting continents for decades.

   I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I'm the only one that matters.

   High on life and also a tiny bit of paint.

   I'm not offended by what you say. I'm just glad that you're stringing words into sentences now.

   This bagel with "everything" is seriously lacking in truffle oil, sprinkles, the blood of my enemies and the stolen dreams of children.

   Days are short in December but spending them with family really stretches them out.

   It's hard to maintain good eye contact with a cute pedestrian once she slips beneath your wheel.

   I bet two thousand years ago, people were pretty psyched for 11

   My friend said he thought I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.

   Christmas shopping is a pain in the cash.