SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes when a person suddenly has a problem with you, just think the issue isn't really you, it's their meds.

   Part of me thought I wouldn't be using a sock as an oven mitt at this point in my life. Another part is like "Big boy is using the stove!"

   The guy next door is a sleeptalker. The girl in the other room is too quiet. We're all being monitored by people in white uniforms...

   I don't wanna speak to soon, but the new iPhone is way better at taking pictures of my wiener in the dark than the old one.

   Every person who ever asked if they were bothering me was bothering me.

   To save time, I like to show up to my doctor's appointment already wearing a paper gown.

   Tracy Morgan collapsed at Sundance and is blaming the altitude. I agree. He was way too high.

   Just choked down three bites of a gas station hot dog and now I have 7 kinds of ass cancer.

   This kid at my nephew's birthday party sh!t his pants and got to go home. I'm seriously considering this option.

   Dictators dress to oppress.

   "Page 404 Not Found" I wasn't even looking for page 404.

   10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.

   This is a plea for help; can we please make commercials and tv shows the same volume again?

   Burger King is offering delivery service in some areas. I don't trust it. Everyone knows it's impossible to drive without eating the fries.

   If you are what you eat, I'm fast, cheap, and bad for you.

   Say what you want about Buffalo Bill but that guy had phenomenal sewing skills.

   Do I still get to be one of those uppity "I don't watch TV" people if it's just because I sold mine for methadone?

   I only like foods that begin with the word "cheesy".

   In porn, large breasted women home alone order a LOT of pizza and never have money. They've lots to learn about nutrition & cash management.

   Need to call in a hot female carpenter to fix this morning wood.