Baddie Funny Status Messages

   A selfie a day keeps the daddy issues at bay

   When I see a drink written “non-alcoholic”, it makes me feel very violent.

   If the conversation gets too serious and uncomfortable, take your pants off.

   Just remember that you don't own anything that won't burn.

   Somehow she tracked that fart back to me....and that's how I met your mother.

   Just one more drink and then I'm outta here" is one of my favorite lies.

   Planning a wedding with your fiancé is good practice for divorce.

   If you have never fantasized about murdering me you've never been my girlfriend.

   Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.

   There were only 3 commandments until Moses' wife got involved.

   Sorry I buried the hatchet in your face.

   "911, what's your emergency?" "DO ANIMALS NAME THEIR BABIES?"

   It's not my fault that people don't appreciate the art of unpunctuality.

   Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonald's; Not funny, grow up.

   Me: honey, would you be psycho enough to murder my ass? Wife: "wear my thongs one more time and see what happens to you!"

   Never bring a hangover to a wife fight.

   Wanna know what it's like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

   At my job I am forced to deal with more c unts than a gynecologist.

   I don't get drunk, I get able to tolerate other people.

   She's saving herself for marriage, I'm saving myself for divorce.