Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. I’m having wine for dinner.

   Dominos selling subs is like Subway selling pizzas, stop it. Nothing is gonna make us forget that your pizza tastes like crap.

   I LOVE putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They're so warm and cozy! I HATE when the lady in the laundromat tries to take them back! :(

   why did I never realize a mustache is just a mouthbrow...

   "I can't because I'll be watching the NFL Pro-Bowl", said NO ONE EVER!!

   I just rubbed my cat back and forth on the carpet for 10 minutes,,, and now he can shoot lightning bolts out of his mouth.

   I consider any gun that is pointed at me and fired with the intent to harm me to be an assault weapon.

   There is no way I'm getting my wife a gun because there is no way I'm not getting shot with that gun. Buying my wife a gun is sort of like me saying, 'You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise.

   breaking up is hard to do... unless of course you're mad and there's a vase nearby....

   I'd have a longer attention span if things weren't so shiny

   a hangover is the wrath of grapes

   If they call you weird, what they're really saying is..You are a rare beauty and I wish you were mine.

   Besides being curled up on the bathroom floor convinced I was dying from liver failure for a few hours, last night was fun.

   Think of a number between 68 and 70....

   Someone just told me to "have a blessed day." What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.

   C ondoms prevent minivans.

   I think I'm falling for you. Oh, don't bother responding. I'll see myself over to the friend zone.

   Things are looking up. I just made my own sandwich!

   The friendzone is the cleavage of relationships

   I want my name to come up when you go to therapy.