Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wanna help me test out my new guillotine? I'll do all the hard work, you can just lie there...

   I think my Nintendo Wii character is depressed from my lack of playing. When I logged on he had a full beard and had a Nickelback shirt on.

   I bet Rihanna will be on the cover of Chris Brown's greatest hits CD.

   I hate people who talk about sex all the time!! Sex is a great thing, it's makes the world go round, without sex there is no humanity, how can someones think about sex that much!! That's why I never talk about sex.

   I heard ove a million people attended Obamas inauguration and only 14 of them missed work!

   all these crazy a$$ nuts with guns are making the gun nuts look bad...

   I think that whenever you become a parent, doctors should just prescribe whatever pills you want.

   wife doesn't understand the home improvement and beer monies come from the same budget

   Let’s get married. Well not married, but let’s share our stuff. Well not share, but give me half of your stuff.

   The perfect day is one where the only decision you have to make is which drink to order.

   I ate a cigarette last night cause I thought it was a fry.

   Roses are red, nuts are round, skirts are up, panties are down, belly to belly, skin to skin, when it is stiff, stick it in! Not that's a love poem!

   I have an actual date this weekend so if any of you are in love with me, you better say something or forever hold your peace.

   I named the spider in my kitchen 'Kris Kross' because it made me jump.

   I'm exercising, eating right & watching my alcohol intake. So don't cross me...I'm sober & I'm cranky.

   Facebook, Helping stalkers since 2004.

   Life was easier and simpler when I was apart of the Sheepeople herd.

   Remember, if you're in public and have the winter vomiting bug, be polite and vomit into your elbow.

   I heard that Tom Brady isn't going to the pro bowl for an undisclosed injury. Didn't know bruised ego was a real injury.

   Nicky Minaj is like Tang. She's dry, orange, and nobody actually likes her.