Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love walking with my wife on the beach,, until the ambien wears off and I'm just dragging a mannequin around the Wal-Mart parking lot.

   "That's it. Nice and slow." "Don't stop. Just keep going." "You've almost got it. A little slower." "Oh my God! Slow down! Slow down!" Brace yourself!" And that's about how it goes when I let her drive.

   When asked if she was lip-synching or not at the presidential inauguration, Beyonce replied "I would blame it on the rain, but unfortunately it wasn't raining just really cold, and girl you know it's true."

   I wasn't born to kiss anyone's ass. If you want someone to obey and follow you, you should probably get a dog.

   Sex on a cruise ship means the ocean does all the work. Ocean sex rules!!! Go to hell land sex!!!

   love screwing with the minds of the foreign telemarketers "Oh my name is Perry, like Terry but with a P as in Pterodactyl."

   there is 1 Adderall in my system and 3057 bricks on the front of my house.

   I am not making the same mistake twice, I learned my lesson last year when I awkwardly walked around out of place at the Tattoo Expo, realizing I was the only one dressed as the Tattoo the midget from Fantasy Island, mumbling "De plane, de plane!!"

   if you comment on a picture from a year ago, you are a stalker...

   Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don't sleep in the same bed anymore.

   Apparently rumors were going around that the Hip Hop reggae artist known as "Shaggy" had died due to a stabbing in a bar last week. Mr. Boombastic reassured all of his fans by saying "It Wasn't Me"

   I'd kill for the kind of confidence that every 350 pound black w oman has.

   'North Korea threatens new nuclear test.' Pfft... Lets be honest, have you ever owned anything made in Korea that worked?

   You know, Microsoft, if you had called it Bang instead of Bing, you'd have destroyed Google. Example: I just Banged Catherine Zeta Jones.

   Sometimes all you need in life is some really good sex.

   Guys like it when girls go commando, so I assassinated a Nicaraguan dictator.

   I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food. I'm not even sure where sandwiches live.

   Even though she never existed, Brent Musberger is hoorny for Manti Te'o dead girlfriend.

   Ashley Madison is my favorite cheating website named after the two most spoiled girls in every 4th grade class.

   Doesn't North Korea understand that these grand threats will result in a harsh musical rebuke from Toby Keith?