Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girls fall in love with what they hear... Guys fall in love with what they see. That is why girls wear makeup, and guys lie!

   took you to dinner,a movie,then for drinks,get back too your house then tell me you have your period (・_・)ノ”(ノ_<)

   Beyonce might be hot but underneath all thatt hair there will always be a little rubber band ball of nap.

   A "wifey type" has nothing to do with rolling blunts/cooking.. It's more like a woman that takes care of you, loves you & stands by ur side

   Nicki Minaj being a judge on American Idol is like Taylor Swift giving relationship advice.

   I would unfriend you but I enjoy laughing at your life.

   The problem with some people is that they’re alive.

   jealousy is an ugly color on you... and while I am at it, so are tangerine, teal and turquoise.

   It's always the rednecks that know all the inner most conspiracies of the government

   Instead of John I call my bathroom Jim, that way it sounds better when I say I went to the Jim first thing this morning.

   I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. I’m having wine for dinner.

   Dominos selling subs is like Subway selling pizzas, stop it. Nothing is gonna make us forget that your pizza tastes like crap.

   I LOVE putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They're so warm and cozy! I HATE when the lady in the laundromat tries to take them back! :(

   why did I never realize a mustache is just a mouthbrow...

   "I can't because I'll be watching the NFL Pro-Bowl", said NO ONE EVER!!

   I just rubbed my cat back and forth on the carpet for 10 minutes,,, and now he can shoot lightning bolts out of his mouth.

   I consider any gun that is pointed at me and fired with the intent to harm me to be an assault weapon.

   There is no way I'm getting my wife a gun because there is no way I'm not getting shot with that gun. Buying my wife a gun is sort of like me saying, 'You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise.

   breaking up is hard to do... unless of course you're mad and there's a vase nearby....

   I'd have a longer attention span if things weren't so shiny