Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cut off fake people for real reasons, NOT real people for fake reasons.

   How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? Look for The Fresh Prints.

   9 months before I was born, I went to a party with my dad, and left with my mom.

   Fun things to do in Walmart: Take the ''try me'' stickers off of the toys & place them on condom boxes.

   Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.

   This is probably a stupid question, but when my cat shows me her butthole, am I supposed to touch or lick it?

   I love you, babe, of course you can get whatever you want...whoa, whoa, let's keep it on the dollar menu, though, ok?

   BJ’s after marriage are like Big Foot. Heard of but never seen…

   I wish cancer would get cancer and die.

   I'm sick of hearing about Lance Armstrong. Is he telling the whole truth? My solution...Have Taylor Swift date him for two weeks and then wait for her next album, the whole truth will be revealed!

   Seriously its 2013, no one laughs at a joke, you just say LOL or like it and move on, we got no time to laugh.

   I don't get it, what's the big deal with texting and driv

   if you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut

   Was it THAT wrong writing, "To my sweet little Butter Face" on my girlfriend's Birthday card?

   I rubbed my cats back and forth on the carpet for ten minutes, now they can shoot lightning out of their eyes, They're running around playing laser tag.

   my opinion on forced birth control has changed after watching one episode of Honey Boo Boo.

   If I were Superman, I'd forget about Lex Luthor, and instead, beat the living $hit out of every a$$hole who's ever abused a child.

   Here are my 4 favorite quotes: " " " "

   Tips for Guys on Valentine's Day: Tell your girl you already got somethingn and make her guess. She'll automatically list things she want.

   Thank you Pringles® for being the only chip company that doesn't sell air.