Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some girls put more effort into naming their Facebook photo albums than I put into my life.

   Idea to help fight the obesity epidemic in America: Force Walmart to keep their parking spaces at least 200 yards from their entrances.

   The person with the longest text message response time has the upper hand in the relationship.

   Hey person calling me from a blocked number, I’m not answering. Ever.

   If you peel back the foil on pudding and don’t lick the pudding on the foil before indulging in the pudding then I’m sorry to say you’re not cool.

   Ladies: imagine a man who’s rich, handsome, listens well and loves you for who you are. Now keep imagining him, because he’s only imaginary.

   Plan for tonight: 1. get off work and drink till Monday. 2. figure the rest out later

   Subway is not the only one being sued for lying about their length......

   Waiting for some indian dude to come out with a song called Ghandi style

   I have a friend with a lazy eye too. His name is Pete ,, or should I say PIRATE PETE. One eye is looking at you, while the other is looking for you.

   I've learned that sometimes I just have to check my ego at the door. Especially on such occasions when my ego won't fit through the door.

   I thought I seen a flying mattress going down the road, but then realized it was strapped to a smart car.

   A woman is not an object, listen to what it says.

   Subway is being sued for lying about length?!?!?....Not the first time length has been lied about!

   Me calling restaurant: Hi. Do you have tables or just booths? Restaurant: We have both. Is this for a handicapped person? Me: No..I'm just a fat f**k.

   Whenever I walk into a Wal-Mart I automatically hate everyone.....including myself.

   To those who ask why do need a gun that the capacity of holding 20-30 rounds of ammo....... Ok, let me ask you this, Do you need a cell phone? Do you need a Ipad? Do you need an SUV or a 50,000 square foot house? Do you need facebook? Nope! But its

   Girl at bar: My kids are my world!! Me: Then why are you out drinking??

   My friend told me not to say anything about her new boyfriends lazy eye, so I made sure to give numerous compliments on his normal one.

   Subway is being sued for lying about length?!?!?.... Time for me to find a good attorney!