Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd never get in the back of a stranger's van for candy, but if you have a beer, then consider me kidnapped.

   too positive to be doubtful, too optimistic to be fearful and too determined to be defeated.

   my power is going through red lights and looking hot enough to not get pulled over

   Getting married at 18 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

   The sound of a child's laughter makes me smile. Unless its in Zombies! Dang box!

   Camping - Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes

   Officer; "Sir, would you mind taking an alcohol test?" Me; "I have been testing alcohol all day so I don't see how one more test could hurt."

   COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?... ME: Cause you got beat up in High School??.. COP: ???... ME: Cause you got beat up in High School,,, Sir?

   My super power is inching forward at a red light to make it change to green...

   Sometimes its better to remain silent because you are tired of explaining yourself over and over again to the same dumbass person.

   hate when I just get home and can't sleep cuz it's too bright out!

   It's like 7 degrees today. I just hugged a guy & I had to call him an ambulance, he got 2 deep nipples stab wounds on the chest.

   Am I gonna have to be the one that asks? Really? Cause I'm not seeing how we're supposed to buy into Donkey having babies with the Dragon from Shrek

   hope the women don't sue me for lying about my length too

   If brains were gasoline, you wouldn't run a piss-ant's go-cart two laps around a cheerio!

   Some peoples tattoos look like they were done in a jeep going over sweet jumps!

   Some people never go crazy...... What truly horrible lives they must live

   Women want someone that looks good on their arm, holds all their crap, and compliments their shoes. Basically men are just purses.

   Having a threesome during Flu season is just asking for trouble..

   Doctors write the prescriptions illegibly so you can’t see that it says: “This one had insurance. Don’t kill him.”