Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is a photo of Obama circulating around FB showing how much he's grayed over the past 4 years since becoming president.. It's hard to believe that one man could age so much worrying about his next round of golf.

   There's a time and a place for non-alcoholic beer. Never, and down the drain.

   I don’t understand the whole concept of a massage. You get a woman to rub all over every single part of your body except the one part you really want rubbed on

   If you dont drink, then all of your stories suck and end with, And then I got home...

   I used to do a lot of drugs. I didn't stop because I didn't enjoy them; I stopped because I couldn't handle the commitment.

   Have you ever had one of those moments when you look up and realize that you're one of those people you see on the train talking to themselves?

   We need the children of Indonesia and the Philippines to manufacture our freedom of choice.

   last night the ghost of Gloria gaynor oke me from my sleep.....at first I was afraid I was petrified

   Cut off fake people for real reasons, NOT real people for fake reasons.

   How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? Look for The Fresh Prints.

   9 months before I was born, I went to a party with my dad, and left with my mom.

   Fun things to do in Walmart: Take the ''try me'' stickers off of the toys & place them on condom boxes.

   Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.

   This is probably a stupid question, but when my cat shows me her butthole, am I supposed to touch or lick it?

   I love you, babe, of course you can get whatever you want...whoa, whoa, let's keep it on the dollar menu, though, ok?

   BJ’s after marriage are like Big Foot. Heard of but never seen…

   I wish cancer would get cancer and die.

   I'm sick of hearing about Lance Armstrong. Is he telling the whole truth? My solution...Have Taylor Swift date him for two weeks and then wait for her next album, the whole truth will be revealed!

   Seriously its 2013, no one laughs at a joke, you just say LOL or like it and move on, we got no time to laugh.

   I don't get it, what's the big deal with texting and driv