Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jesus, Alicia Keys! Are you just going to stand there singing about it, or are you going to help the poor girl?!? GET A BUCKET OF WATER THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!

   Throw a boomerang so far you forget about it, years later it hits you in the head at a fancy dinner party.

   I'm not redneck enough to bang a cousin, but I'm redneck enough to have thought about it.

   Girls, holding in your farts has got to be an even more nerve wrecking dilemma when your man is spooning you right?

   My hair looks like I've had rigorous sex, but in reality I lost my brush a week ago.

   Do these pants stuck halfway up my thighs, cutting off my circulation, make me look fat?

   At least he died doing what he loved: texting while driving.

   FACEBOOK - Keeping your fakeness public since 06'...

   Snooki is a star! Huge and full of gas.

   USA is home of the Free? it's expensive to live here, my taxes just doubled!!!

   "Sometimes, women are so sensitive! Very nicely, I asked the woman sitting next to me if I could smell her armpits. "NO!" she exclaimed. I said, "Well, it must be your feet then." Now she's looking for something large to hit me with ツ

   Why do some parents always talk about how much they love their kids but the kids live 500 miles away with the other parent?

   If you ran like your mouth, you’d be in good shape!

   when I am bored, I like to park on the side of the freeway and stick a blow dryer out the window and watch the cars slam on their brakes

   If a guy ever gave birth to a baby,,, I would pay him $1000000 to go on TV and tell the world "meh,,, it hurt,, but not like that much"

   FYI: Donkeys just call them hats.

   Yes I feel great this morning. Thank you wine netti pot.

   So they found Richard III under a parking lot. We wil probably find Hoffa under a church.

   Does Krystal accept Valentines day reservations for one?

   My computer is frozen up... and it looks like moving my mouse around in circles will not fix the problem.