Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m a bad motherf ucker until someone hands me a puppy or a baby.

   I don't know much about art, but my favorite pictures have a man’s junk drawn on them...

   I killed a man once, because killing him twice is a physical impossibility.

   I'm black but not "talk loud all through your movie" black. HAHA JUST KIDDING I'M USING SIRI TO TYPE THIS TWEET DURING YOUR STUPID MOVIE!!

   My ex said she left me because of my short attention span. Unbeknownst to her I actually…damn that’s a cool ass word right? Unbeknownst.

   I turned my "Panic room" into a "Hispanic room" so that I have a place to wear my sombrero without being ridiculed.

   My Bologna has a first name, but it ain't Oscar !

   Of course I'm looking for the right person, because they say opposites attract and I'm already wrong.

   Nobody has criticized me yet today. I should call my ex-wife and say hello.

   All clowns are serial killers. It's a fact.

   Glitter is the herpes of arts and crafts.

   I wanna f uck you so hard we both forget you're ugly.

   Aside from being hit and struck by a Smooth Criminal, how are you emotionally, Annie?

   Keep your friends close and your enemies in the basement.

   I just blocked someone for having the same name as my ex.. That's normal, right guys?

   i have a really good feeling this is all just going to be rain!

   any sorority houses out there need me to deliver pizzas, clean the pool, fix the plumbing, etc???

   I think the National Weather Service is a front for the National Grocery Association

   At least my computer goes down on me

   When you're driving, and Nicki Minaj is on all 3 radio stations at the same time, there's no choice other than to drive off a cliff.