Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guy: I only pooped twice yesterday. Is there something wrong with me? Girl: I've already pooped twice this month. Is there something wrong with me?

   FACT: 69% of people find something dirty in everything they read

   FYI - Valentines Day is only 5 days away... It's not too late to break up.

   Been chewing for over 50 years now......you'd think I'd know where the insides of my cheeks are by now.

   I think today I'll stalk random strangers and tag myself as one of the people in the background of their vacation pics...

   No, I haven't been sick. I haven't been busy. I haven't been away on vacation. The reason I haven't returned your calls is because I can't stand you.

   I'm gonna go ahead and call this one: lots of babies are going to be born on or around November 8th

   BREAKING NEWS: Harvard study reveals that's not what she said.

   Bounty Hunters killed all my paper towels.

   Correction, its women who suck at sex who accuse men of only being after one thing, sex.

   Women who say that men only want to have is sex are the women who have nothing else to offer than that.

   Only God can judge me.....tell it to the judge

   Of course I’ve had my servings of fruit today. Coconut rum, pineapple-orange juice and maraschino cherries. There’s a bonus for combo fruits, right?

   Facebook makes stalking that special someone so much easier.

   Since I just finished my 4th glass of this wonderful spirit, all status updates, texts, private messages, and voice mails from me are now considered null and void.

   Wayne Brady honoring black history month is like Nickelback inducting Zeppelin into the Rock n Roll hall of fame

   "I love you! See ya in about an hour!" - Me talking to my beer.

   I don't care if your a 7 foot 10 Sasquatch of a man if you step on a kids Lego barefoot at 3am on the way to the bathroom you will squeal like a baby seal....fact....:)

   My dance style is best described as "is there a bee near me?"

   My battery is about to di