Funny Status Messages

   We lost our culture around the time we stopped smoking Marlboro Reds and started vaping strawberry cheesecake.

   These mask mandates just made ventriloquism a lot easier.

   Getting shot is my 2nd amendment right.

   The closest I've ever come to eating better is eating butter.

   I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over

   Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.

   Condoms do not guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

   Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves...?

   Somebody please take Grandpa Biden's keys away before he drives us into a ditch. Oops, too late.

   What were electric eels called before the discovery of electricity?

   Quentinen and Tarantined by Writtin Directino

   Mexican word of the day: Pizza Sheet. Joe Biden is a pizza sheet.

   Had my physical today. After the doctor left another doctor came in & said the three words no man wants to hear: “Who was that?”

   Me to husband: To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume we got for Halloween.

   I'll never understand why people admires behavior in a grown man that they would hate to see in a toddler.

   Nobody loses an election like Trump...nobody. Nobody knows more about it. He's the stable genius of losing over and over again. You wouldn't believe it.

   Cruises: Floating Golden Corrals with drunk people.

   Why is it that the people who are the loudest about demanding respect are the ones who have done the least to earn it?

   A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

   efore kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders