Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend came out of the shower and said "I shaved down there, you know what that means?" I said, "Yeah the drain is clogged again."

   I have a tool for everything in my shed. Including the tool to open the lock when I lose my key ...

   I just got down with *OPP. *Other People's Pizza. Sorry, Meg in accounting.

   Does anyone know if we can claim the farm credit on our taxes for playing games on Facebook?

   Gong Xi Fa Ca! Happy Chinese New Year! And hopefully, when you wake up after two too many mai tais, you don’t discover a Tattoo of "Yu Bang Mi Nao" on your a$$.....do not ask me how I know this.

   You're sexy, but not "I don't care if you have horrible grammar" sexy.

   Get hoarders addicted to crack, they will sell all their s hit..Problem solved.

   My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD Bin at Walmart.

   The tattoos in your shirtless profile pic say 'bad boy'; the flowered wallpaper behind you scream 'living in mom's sewing room'.

   Honey, you don’t have sex appeal. You have slut appeal. There’s a difference.

   There's nothing sexier than an intelligent woman who can f uck like she's stupid

   Note to self: Do not use reverse psychology when trying to stop someone from jumping off a building.

   I've never seen animals party. Though squirrels that fly are pretty goddamn close.

   Of all the utensils that were invented to eat rice with... How the f**k did two sticks win?

   Guys.... women pay attention to how you text. You think they don't notice someone who can move their fingers fast?

   I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.

   People ask why I get hot women. I do not have a large pen!$...it's small, but it can talk and is very complimentary.

   I'm white, so my touchdown dance would just be filing my income taxes on time.

   Facebook... because moving your fingers is almost like doing something.

   Remember people, good manners is what separates us from the French