Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm getting really tired of being really tired of stuff.

   A man overdosed on erectile dysfunction medication one night. He went out the hard way.

   Chris Dorner must have been pretty serious about Ash Wednesday when he set fire to that house.

   i am giving up giving up for Lent

   Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour." I said, "You've got the wrong house then man."

   Onions think that they are ugly because you cry after you get them naked.

   I WILL ALWAYS WEAR BLACK ON VALENTINES DAY.

   Seriously, do I look like a Valentine's person?

   It turns out Muse is more than Musicians United for Safe Energy. It's an okay band too!

   I hear Justin Bieber wants Black Keys’ Patrick Carney roughed up. I wonder how much she is paying for someone to do it for her.

   I think they should make Sarah Palin the new Pope. Cause she can see heaven from her back yard!

   At one point in their life 95% of women will have intelligent DNA. Unfortunately most will spit it out.

   Just realised why women love shoes over clothing, because no matter how much weight they gain, the shoes still fit.

   If women belong in the kitchen, shouldn’t men belong in the garage with all the other tools?

   I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup and I just took the biggest vowel movement ever.

   How am I supposed to completely ignore Olympic wrestling like it doesn't exist, if it actually doesn't exist?!

   If police work is just watching stuff burn, then I mastered police work when I was 10 years old.

   Valentines Day, Aint nobody got time for that!

   Wow took Rubio 13sec into his speech before he attacked Prez Obama and his failed

   Just saw somebody in the third row pull out their flip phone at the State of the Union address. You know we are in trouble.