Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I end all my sentences with "Just saying.." because ending them with "You Idiot .." would probably be considered offensive.

   The only thing that stops a bad actor with a gun is a good actor with a gun.

   At the end of the day, a man who identifies as a woman is still a man who identifies as a woman.

   I normally don't brag about exspensive trips but I just got back from the gas station.

   My wife asked me with loving eyes, "What did I do to deserve you?" I responded, "I'm guessing something horrible in a past life!"

   Dog the Bounty Hunter says it's not him. Increases reward to a Million dollars.

   Got fired for being too early

   LGBTQ = Let's Get Biden To Quit

   “I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

   Today is nation Sloth day, it should of been yesterday, but they didn't get around to it.

   What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

   Walk of shame Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up

   Why isn’t there a shortage of workers trying to sell me auto insurance?

   Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300

   Last night I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women

   Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.

   Pandas are living proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

   Looks like we're ready for Halloween trick or treaters. Tested the sprinkler system and it's working.

   just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought I was running

   why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare