Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember Kids: 'Stop, Drop and Roll' doesn't work in Hell ツ

   Just found out my Homeowner's Insurance policy does not have adequate roof coverage that covers Meteors. It never ends.....

   I wish that stupid meteorite would have hit my place of work during my day off.

   How do all these dudes driving Smart Cars find room in them for all the p ussy they're pulling in?

   I'm horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.

   I ran out of deodorant this morning, so I spritzed on some windex. Now birds keep crashing into my armpits :(

   It’s frightening how much trust we put in toilet spray!

   I like it when they surprise you with that little silica gel candy in new shoes. New sneakers and a snack!

   Birds eye have recalled all there fish products as the contain traces of sea horse...

   You can't corner the Dorner.

   I hope the meteorite crash in Russia doesn't affect the price of Vodka!

   I think it is high time Obama gets serious on meteorite control.....

   get to drilling Bruce Willis.

   That Russian meteor footage is anice reminder that we are flying through the universe in an organic spaceship with no roof

   You fell sad because you didn't have a Valentine on Valentine's Day? Some people don't have a mom on Mother's Day or a dad on Father's Day so shut up.

   Oscar Pistorius brings a whole new meaning to taking your missus out on Valentine’s Day.

   Looking at those meteorite videos from Chelyabinsk. I have learned Russians have very bad radio stations....

   Happy Sideckick Day!

   Why are all the women in my office walking funny today?

   Kesha drank her own urine on her new reality show. RUN WITH it guys...