Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I had a time machine, I'd just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.

   I stop at random Jehovah's Witness houses and drop off copies of Rolling Stone.

   Too much of my life is spent trying to think of something to write on people's FB walls for their birthday other than "Happy Birthday!"

   The ads where Bing says they're better than Google are so cute. Like when you let a kid think hes playing Xbox but the controllers unplugged.

   "Pay attention to me when I'm ignoring you!"- women

   There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let's dance.

   I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.

   I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.

   You have no idea how happy I get when p̶h̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶r̶i̶n̶g̶s̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶i̶t̶'̶s̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶.̶ the microwave beeps and the food is ready.

   I can't decide who deserves the death sentence more, a serial killer or a person who calls you when you text them.

   I know let's come out with some kind of fish product to mask the fact we've been serving horse-every fast food joint

   Finds it funny that people really take some of these prescription pills that two of the side effects are swelling of the tongue and death...

   maybe that girl thought that water tower was a jacuzzi! canadians...

   When someone says they are so so happy, are they really happy or just somewhat happy??

   I got mood poisoning from work....

   just wanted to say "Thank you" to those of you have faithfully cracked me up when I pop in here. Off to wipe coffee of my screen again.

   I’m the world record holder for the most arguments won against a woman................................................. 1 to be exact

   Breaking News: The much talked about Oscar Pistorious movie "The Blade Shooter" fails to win any award in Oscars.

   people who criticize today's song lyrics never listened to Blinded by the Light...

   In retrospect the old song "Here Comes the Hotstepper Murderer"... Brings Oscar Pistorious to mind.