Funny Status Messages

   @XplodingUnicorn If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.

   Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

   My tumbleweed is never where I left it.

   can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

   Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!

   You think you can hurt my feelings? I'm an overthinker. I hurt my own feelings.

   Saw a guy in a Prius run out of gas... instead of giving him a ride,I sent him positive energy & world peace cause that means more to him.

   It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

   I can't wait to have make up sex... I've been arguing with myself all day.

   I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

   Why do atheist celebrate Christmas? Just stop it! You are making yourself look bad.

   I'm sitting here wrapping Christmas presents with one hand. If you find a Band-aid in your gift, don't touch it. I'm still waiting on the test results.

   Miracle birth AND resurrection! No, not Jesus. Frosty the Snowman.

   Being clean and sober means I've showered and I'm heading to the liquor store.

   The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.

   n't it odd that people will fight for toilet paper but not for their freedom?

   When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.

   A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item because he needs it. A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she doesn't need just because it's on sale.

   I'll bet the people who voted for Joe Biden are turning over in their graves right now.

   When you clean your vacuum cleaner, does that make you a vacuum cleaner?