Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.

   As Facebook's rebranded itself as 'META', other entities will be following suit: Airlines: JETA Greece: FETA Prostitution: GETA Gambling: BETA Urologists: WETA Fisheries: NETA Animal Clinics: VETA Boob Jobs: TETA

   Some days you're the turd; some days you're the fly. I'm both every day. - Joe Biden

   Eat a handful of coffee grounds before seeing the dental hygienist. They love a challenge.

   I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.

   Imagine the conversations between the fly on the wall and the elephant in the room after everyone leaves.

   In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.

   My idea was a naked version of DUNE called NUDE, but there are places no one wants sand.

   Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986

   I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

   unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, I ain’t chasing sh*t

   Joe Biden: You know I properly planned my day when I can squeeze in that 3rd nap.

   I'm so old when I was a kid Facebook didn't have a name and everyone just called it ADD.

   WOW!!! I bought an umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. Now on the way to buy a pack of condoms !!!

   At one point yesterday, the whole world was on Twitter...except for Trump.

   Who else thinks the Brandon should be 2021 man of the year?

   I was going to dress up like sleepy joe this year for Halloween, but my head would'n't fit up my arse.

   My wife thinks I’m crazy. But I’m not the one who married me.

   In what world does a box of macaroni and cheese serve 4 people?

   I'm so dumb, I thought Johnny Cash was a pay toilet.