Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If beer pong has taught me anything... it's that there's no cool way to chase a ping pong ball.

   Having the worst day ever. All traffic lights I passed were green so I had to stop on the side of the road to check my Facebook like some caveman.

   So after breaking 7 out of 10 commandments this week I can still run for Pope, right?

   It's not poetry, if it's not written in blood.

   Lord, please forgive these gas prices, for they know not what they do to my pockets...

   My cat is my date and we got asked to leave the Olive Garden. Probably because she's black.

   It's okay that I touch my cousin's fake breasts because they aren't really hers, right guys?

   Opinions are like as sholes. I only listen to mine.

   I’m totally gonna ask this lady breast feeding her baby, for a little squirt for my coffee.

   Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”

   4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...

   Commitment doesn't scare me, the thought of committing to the wrong person does.

   Guys, don't hit your woman! Bottle that $hit up inside like a real man!!

   a woman a day keeps the hand away

   Its just one of those days, there is a party in my pants and I wasnt even invited.

   Weatherman are a little too excited to finally be right about predicting this big storm. You're still at 1% accuracy guys. Calm the $&#% down...

   Why can't I be like the other guys that I know, and just be happy with an ugiy f@t girl?

   It's the little things in life that matter the most... for instance the refrigerator light, helping you to see that last beer way in the back!

   I've never once jumped into a taxi and yelled, "FOLLOW THAT CAR!" Life is disappointing and movies are liars.

   I have often regretted my speech, but never my silence...And silence is not a punishment, at times it was a gift...