Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don’t get the phrase “cool as a cucumber” because I’ve never seen a cucumber with a tribal tattoo.

   Take an Aeropostale hoodie, soak it in Coors Light, & rub it on your face for 2 hours at a petting zoo. That’s a Dave Matthews Band concert.

   A massive meteor hit Russia injuring hundreds. Rihanna insists the meteor has changed & that everyone should give the meteor another chance.

   I'm not sure what colon hydrotherapy is....... But I AM sure I don't need a Groupon for that..

   I walked out of a club with a girl last night. She slipped her hand inside my jeans, squeezed my c*ck and said, "Yours or mine?" I said, "That's mine."

   Usually hates it when people post pictures of their lunch on Facebook, but my Asian friends picture of his puppy was just too cute.

   First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius. I think Nike should start telling their athletes "Don't Do It"

   Definitions: It is an "Asteroid" when traveling through space. It becomes a "Meteor" once it enters Earth's atmosphere. It is a "Meteorite" once it hits the ground. And it is "holymotherofgodwhatthehelljusthappened?!?" if it hits anywhere near you.

   Oscar Pistorius is probably kicking himself in the @$$ right about now.

   All this meteor-related violence clearly stems from our cultural obsession with shoot-'em-up video games like ASTEROIDS.

   Rihanna likes her beer like she likes her violence, domestic!

   Carnival Cruise's final failure: not having Planet Of The Apes actors on the dock to greet passengers.

   New speculations have arose that the Pope is resigning after being Catfished into believing he had a girlfriend by the same guy as Mantiteo.

   Just remember, If we get caught you're deaf and I don't speak English.

   To ease my mind, I just pretend the Die Hard sequels were written and directed by Hans Gruber as he fell from Nakatomi Plaza.

   id hate to be a vegetarian in Russia....everything suddenly tastes a little meteor

   Confession: sometimes, right at the moment of climax, I forget about Dre.

   Never text your wife and your gal pal at the same time...one misplaced "love you" can confuse everything

   Just think... before Facebook all of this crazy s%*t was floating around in people's heads.

   And the worlds biggest fan of the band Bullet for My Valentine goes to... Oscar Pistorius!!