Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I tried bleaching my as shole but all he did was complain the whole time. "Are you insane?!" "I want a divorce!" Blah Blah.

   I swear officer it started out as acupuncture and then just kind of transitioned into stabbing.

   I have spent the past 3 hours laying in my front yard, filling my belly button with water, and letting the birds use it as a bath.

   Instead of drinking beer today I'm drinking wine, because I have a cold and wine has vitamin C.

   This just in: The meteor that hit Russia caused 10 million dollars worth of improvements...

   It's science. It's meant to confuse stupid people

   YouTube... The only way you'll ever see MTV play music videos.

   I don't care if Facebook says you've got friends. Don't believe everything you read

   punctuation is important. Take; Jesus, people are crazy or Jesus people are crazy. OK, that's a bad example but you know what I mean...

   n't it a shame that Isla m is such a fragile religion that the mere sight of Buddhist statues, Bibles or Barbie Dolls serve to threaten it's very existence?

   Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?

   I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

   What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.

   Since they can't seem to find any fragments from the meteor, anybody else thinking it was Wonder woman drinking and driving again?

   I don't see what the big deal is with the Harlem shake. That's how I Boogie on a regular basis music or not. My GF says I have moves like Elaine whatever that means. So I must be really, really good :p Don't be Jelly

   Every time I give up something for Lent... my friends encourage me to break it... When I give up alcohol, they buy me drinks... when I give up sweets, they bring me candy... so this year I am giving up sleeping with women...

   Capitalization is the difference between "helping your Uncle Jack off a horse" and "helping your uncle jack off a horse".

   South Korea's got Seoul.

   It must suck to be Spanish speaking person who doesn’t understand the English phrase “If you’d like to continue in Spanish…”

   Real friendship is lending your Facebook so they can stalk their ex.