Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you had to choose between your husband and winning the lottery… Which designer purse would you buy 1st?

   My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.

   Here’s a joke for all you mind readers out there…

   My clothes are so old they were made in the U.S.A.

   Attractive girls are always the most insecure. While these Shrek looking bit$hes, walk around thinking their the s$it.

   Ghost hunters: "Can you communicate with us?" *Door creeks* Ghost hunters: "Oh so your name is William?"

   My “we had to walk 5 miles uphill in the snow just to get to school” story will be about taking 4 hours to download an mp3 with a 28k modem in 1995.

   I’ve been having this weird feeling all day, the only way I know how to describe it is: you know when you switch on a switch and nothing happens? That.

   still can't smell what The Rock is cooking

   I want to have 3 kids and name them Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then when they mess up I will just hit them all at once.

   IF you had to choose between your wife and winning the lottery… What kind of car would you buy 1st?

   First and foremost, I would like to thank my legs. Without them I would not be standing here today.

   Maybe homeless people are just hardcore campers.

   I’m going to change my name to Benefits. Now when you add me on Facebook it will say, you are now friends with benefits.

   The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.

   Sorry you're an atheist and have no one to thank its Friday.

   Does anyone have the owner's manual for a wife? Mine's emitting a terrible whining noise.

   "Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, yep, yep, uh huh, uh huh, ok, you too, bye": Man side of every phone conversation with his wife.

   I miss you like The Biggest Loser contestants miss high fructose corn syrup.

   I'd have better people skills if I worked with better people.