Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apocalypse Update - Day 67: I should have bought more Febreeze for the bunker, dammit.

   why do some people all of a sudden need to carry a gun everywhere they go? I’m 40 years old and can’t think of a single time I went to church, dinner or shopping and needed a gun.

   I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn't the right answer...

   Sorry,, But that last like I gave you, contained traces of horsemeat.

   Wife said she needs a break from picking up my socks on the floor. Fine with me...I also have 12 pairs of underwear.

   Screw you Adobe! I spend more time downloading Adobe updates than i've ever spent using Adobe.

   My Oscar speech would begin like this...First and foremost, I would like to thank my legs. Without them I would not be standing here today...

   I've just been to the local Tesco Extra. Now, I don't know what's in their meat but I can tell you they've certainly got a right cow on the checkout.

   It would be really funny if the GPS changed voices depending on what part of town you are in. YOOO Man, Yawll enturrin da ghetto! teerrrn leffft and' hit up tha likor store beeotch! Nah Nah Nah Nah Yawll misst da teeern. You are reallly dumm. Fur reel.

   Just been wondering what "please Do Not Touch" would be in Braille

   Well, I could be wrong, but I believe diversity is an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era.

   Does anyone know how long you can put chicken in the freezer? I put one in last night and it was dead this morning.

   Either that milk was bad,,,,, Or they don't actually make onion Chobani flavored Captain Crunch

   Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I'm just a butthead."

   I'm the kind of guy who brings Band Aids to a knife fight.

   Come to my naughty corner, I will teach you wrong from right...

   When I said I’d give you multiples I meant a test with choices.

   I'm going to have three children.. One girl, named Stacey, so my wife can be Stacey's mom.. And she will have it going on.. One boy named Luke, so I can say "Luke, I am your father." and one more boy named Sparta.. So I can introduce him 'THIS IS SPARTAA'

   n't it ironic that the wife of the president who failed to rescue embassy personnel is giving an award for a movie about the successful rescue of embassy personnel?

   WAITER: Did we decide? MY DATE: Yes, I'd like the Sirloin. Medium rare. ME: And I'd like the Remix to Ignition. Hot and fresh out the kitchen.