Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Few things disappoint as consistently as a dry wedding.

   They say you should dress for the job you want, which is why I'm wearing boxers shorts and a heavy scent of bourbon.

   No one gets to the age of fifty without making a few enemies.

   Got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I'm gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist and a priest.

   Sunday is looking like a category "1 box of wine" nor'easter.

   Sometimes I think I'm too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop

   Let's have a round of applause for the heroes that they think they can save all the cancer-ridden children by liking and sharing those Facebook statuses.

   Oscar Pistorius' bail cost an arm and a - oh wait...

   if your morning beverage isn't half booze/half coffee, you're doing Saturday wrong...

   You’re all dying anyway so why not just go buy some KFC. (Those guys need to let me do their ads).

   Slowly step away from the bacon and no one gets hurt...

   I'm a nice person really.....at least I smile when I tell you to F&*k off! :))

   I am a virgin...just not very good at it...

   For Free, 5 foot of snow....you pick up and haul (from my drive) First 10 people get a free glass of ice water with it.....limited supply so hurry fast.

   The say milk gives you strength so I drank 5 glasses and still couldn't move a wall, I tried 13 shots of Vodka and saw the wall movie by itself

   Please ignore this status. I'm standing in public alone and I don't want to seem like a total loner, so I'm making it look like I'm texting.

   wine is the wrath of grapes.

   I just checked my credit score. Damn it!!! They won.

   Normally, having a pillow fight used to be fun, until "Memory Foam" made an appearance, now it's a class C Felony

   I love a good political joke. Unless it gets elected president...