Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm? You look for fresh prints.

   I don't cuddle after sex because cuddling strangers is gross.

   What does a grape say when it gets stepped on? Nothing, it just lets out a little wine.

   What do ducks smoke? Quack.

   Cats are pet tigers for midgets.

   if you still don't think money doesn't matter, name the last rich person we deported...

   I won't lie, I'd pay top dollar to just see Katy Perry work a jackhammer for a few minutes.

   When Kate Middleton goes into labor, the doctor will say "the baby is crowning!" And they'll laugh and laugh...

   I’m not ugly. You’re just not drunk enough.

   I'm just a boy. Standing in front of a girl. Praying she doesn't pick me out of this police lineup.

   You inspire my inner serial killer.

   Harlem Shake is just an excuse to go full retard for 30 seconds.

   Guys, tell her she looks more beautiful without any make up. She won't believe you but your odds of getting laid will improve enormously.

   if your profile picture is of your dogs, I'm going to go ahead and assume you're fugly...

   After a good night of sleep, my fave word to wake up to in the morning is.........."TAMALES!"

   You're either a Vatican, or a Vatican't

   I am going into my sequester bunker now, someone call me when this nightmare is over! I am terrified......

   I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.

   After sex, I like to cuddle up to her, wrap my arm around her, brush her hair and whisper: "Welcome to rock bottom."

   My boss just informed me that a birthday is not a legitimate excuse to start drinking at 8am.