sean Funny Status Messages

   I think I've got Bieber Fever. Wait, wait, no, it's Ebola. What a relief!

   Rush Limbaugh is like Frosty The Snowman if someone put the magical hat on a pile of poop.

   A guy just yelled at me for texting and driving. I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business.

   7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

   There was a spider in my bathtub so my wife got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.

   Everyday, I brush my teeth & say "That's it. You can't squeeze anymore toothpaste out of this tube." Then everyday, I do.

   Most of us will spend part of our life having Larry King for a stepfather.

   Calling "shotgun" is great way to lighten the mood when getting in the squad car after the cops arrest you.

   Fun Fact: If you wear a shirt and tie into WalMart, people will ask for your autograph because they think you're the President.

   When the wife and kids go on vacation, I always keep the neighbors on edge by placing rectangular mounds of dirt throughout the yard.

   A source says Snooki is pregnant and the Republican candidates suddenly switch their stance on abortion.

   I thought my sister was lying when she told me Davey Jones from the Monkees had died....................then I saw her face.

   If I've given you a card at your birthday party, know I bought it a half-hour ago and signed it on the dashboard of my car 5 minutes ago.

   I called Poison control, but they said they couldn't make Every Rose Has Its Thorn stop playing on the radio. Worthless.

   Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.

   Every person has a story to tell and that's why I stay home.

   Sometimes, I drive by the schoolyard and scream "STOP WASTING YOUR TIME!" to white kids playing basketball.

   If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. #fail

   Amputees may take risks, but they never go out on a limb.

   I didn't think my hangover was that bad until I spent 10 minutes logging into my nephew's Etch-a-sketch